Ist tyrst with kalam :)

This is my debut attempt at Shayari :) Though i m amateur , would like to know the feedback :)

The Original :

Mukkaddar ne hamme unse mila diya

Aisa laga jaise ek jhoke ne shaakh ka ik ik patta hila diya

Bahe ja rahe the hum unke saath sukhe patte ki tarah

Jab talak zindagi rupi bhavar ne hamme vastavikta se mila diya

I got few feedbacks from friends and the modified versions are as follows:

Version 1 ( Sunny's Feedback)

Sunny felt that the shayari was bit of a fusion and the last line doesn't really go well with the other three lines. He suggested that a bit of modification would make it perfect.

Mukkaddar ne hamme unse mila diya

Aisa laga jaise ek jhoke ne shaakh ka ik ik patta hila diya

Bahe ja rahe the hum unke saath sukhe patte ki tarah

Jab talak zindagi rupi bhavar ne hamme asliyat se rubaru kara diya

Version 2 (Surinder's Feedback)

Surinder too had the same thoughts as Sunny and he suggested me to modify the above three lines to give it a complete Hindi look :)

Kismat ne ek din hamme , unse mila diya ..

Aisa laga ki jhoke ne, shakh se patta hila diya..

Bah rahe the unke saath, sukhe patte ki tarah ...

Zindagi ki bhanvar ne akhir, hakikat se mila diya ..

Version 3 (Ish's Comments)

Ish suggested that we should avoid metaphors in poetry. He said that the comparison "Zindagi rupi bhanvar" is not apt and bit of modification is required in that area.

Mukkaddar ne hamme unse mila diya

Aisa laga jaise ek jhoke ne shaakh ka ik ik patta hila diya

Bahe ja rahe the hum unke saath sukhe patte ki tarah

Zindagi ne akhir hamme hakikat se mila hi diya ..